Five things First-time Fans Must Know before EURO 2012

Lionel Messi is not going to play

Yes, no matter how big a fan you are of the Little Messiah, you will not get to see him at the tournament. Why, you ask? Well, apart from several other complications, it’s the fact that he is not Spanish. Playing for Barcelona must have made him look like Luis Enrique’s cousin, but he’s not. Remember how he played for Argentina in the recently concluded world cup in 2010? Oh, that’s right, you don’t have a clue. And if you still happen to be confused, Argentina is in South America; while this tournament is for European teams. For similar reasons, you’ll also find Didier Drogba missing. He is from Ivory Coast. No, I’m not making this up. And while I’m at it, let me make it very clear; Rafael Nadal doesn’t play for Spain either.

Barcelona are a club

In a related misunderstanding, Barcelona (the reason behind you numbnuts believing that Messi is Spanish) cannot participate in this competition either. Why, you ask again. Your curiosity just startles me. Well, because they are a club. The UEFA EURO is a competition for countries. The Catalans do have a separate flag and a separate dialect of their own, but you’ll find all your heroes from FCB wearing a certain red jersey and playing alongside Fernando Torres. Oh that reminds me, the same applies for Chelsea, Manchester United and, if you’re into that kind of nonsense, Liverpool.

The Netherlands is what cool people call Holland

Football is one the main reasons people know some countries exist. So, if you are new to football, you probably haven’t heard of The Netherlands (Not to be confused with MJ’s Neverland). It is not an imaginary place and it’s not a nick name. It’s just what we, the cool ones, call Holland. You must have heard of that - if not in ‘Pulp Fiction’, then at least in some edition of the cricket world cup. Fun fact: it’s one of the few countries whose name starts with an article. And as we all know, ‘The’ is the coolest article. There’s not much you need to know about this country save for two things – the people of Holland are known as the Dutch and secondly; on a good day, in football, the Dutch can kick your ass.

If you can’t pronounce, don’t say the name

Sometimes, you’ll find yourself in a spot where you want to take a player’s name and make a comment which will make you seem like you understand the game. For instance, “I think Steven Gerrard will beat the shit outta that other team.” Or, you could be one of those girls who are watching the game because of their boyfriend and think that they can make him jealous by spotting good looking footballers. For instance, “Ooh, that Rooney fellow is so cute!!” But unfortunately for you, not all the names are that easy. There are some eastern European countries whose players have names that are more complicated than the politics of Eastern Europe. So, you don’t want to be the person who calls Szczesny (Pronounced as Chechny) Suzzcazzhenny in a room full of soccer maniacs. Therefore, if you don’t know how to say a name, wait till a commentator says it first. Or, if you are not a complete moron, identify the players by their number.

England won’t win

This is the most common misconception first-time fans have. The English Premier League’s popularity is the chief cause of this false idea. People see England and they think, Manchester United!! Chelsea!! Arsenal!! Liverpool!! And now even Manchester City has added to the league’s thunder. They see England and they think those glorious images of Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard, John Terry, Wayne Rooney and the others that are shown repeatedly on ESPN. But that’s a rookie mistake that you need to avoid. The Barclays Premier League is awesome. But that says nothing about England’s national team. If there’s anything IPL has taught us, it’s this. When Iron Man, Hulk, Thor etc come together, they become the Avengers. The same doesn’t apply for England. So, rest assured, England won’t win. I’d place my bet on that imaginary country I told you about two points ago.